Hollywood is doing its part to save the environment.

9 07 2009

Over the past few months, there have been reports upon reports of scriptwriters in Hollywood being given assignments.  Not just any assignments, though.  No, these writing assignments include making scripts out of Stretch Armstrong, Asteroids (The game), and the Viewmaster.  Let me repeat that.

Stretch Armstrong.



So it’s really come down to this, has it?  It’s true.  Hollywood has officially run out of fresh ideas.

With my keen skills and ninja-like capabilities that would put Snake Eyes to shame, I was able to abscond the three scriptments for Stretch Armstrong, Asteroids, and Viewmaster.  For all you Hollywood-ian neophytes, a “scriptment” is a combination of dialogue and outline of the film.  Since I have a blog to run and need the web hits, it’d be wrong of me to give all three to you at one time.  Hence, I’ve decided to begin with Stretch Armstrong.

Stretch Armstrong: Man of War

Treatment by I. Kurtz and M. Bay

The movie opens in a desert.  Not just any desert.  A really big f***ing desert.  And there are pyramids.  So I guess it’d be Egypt?  Other deserts have pyramids, don’t they?

Anyway, it’s a wide shot of the desert, and all of a sudden there’s a HUGE explosion, causing sand to go flying everywhere!  We pan back until we’re looking beyond the dune we were looking at before, and there’s CHAOS everywhere!  Two groups fighting, guns blazing, grenades-be-blowing-s*** up!  We can tell one side is American, because they have American flags on their helmets or American flags as bandanas.  Just in case the audience doesn’t get it, we can have a couple of guys talking about America:


This is for America!


You tell ’em, Jimmy!

There’s one guy who isn’t sharing their patriotic banter, however.  This gentleman is our hero, Bill “Stretch” Armstrong.  He’s called “Stretch” because he has very long arms and legs.  His neck is very short, though, and he has to make a considerable effort to turn it.  He’s fighting alongside Soldiers 1 and 2, and he’s had enough of their gung-ho ways.


Dammit, men, pay attention to what you’re doing!  I just want to get back home to my wife and kid.

We then cut to him looking at a torn photo which would indeed prove he has a wife and kid.

Suddenly, one of the guys from the other side throws a grenade into their trench!  Stretch, ever the heroic one, leaps upon it to save his brothers-in-arms.  He looks up to the sky and yells:


I did it, baby!  Your daddy’s going to be a hero!

The grenade explodes, and it’s a blackout.

The next scene takes place at a super high-tech laboratory in Sweden.  You can tell it’s Sweden because all of the scientists talk with a ridiculously absurd accent that sounds like it could be Swedish.  They’re escorting a group of military guys through the base.  You can tell they’re military because they’re dressed in army fatigues, except for the lead guy, who has his dress uniform on and a big, bushy mustache.

The scientists take them into a secluded room, where STRETCH is laid out across a stretcher.  The head Swedish scientist guy looks over at SERGEANT MUSTACHE.


Ya, we theenk that we can feex your soldier guy, ya.


Good.  And while you’re doing that, give him a few improvements…

MUSTACHE twirls his namesake as the Swedish dudes go to work on STRETCH, doing some science-y looking thing.  Blackout.

STRETCH wakes up in a hospital room.  You can tell he just had massive surgery due a cut over his right eye.  MUSTACHE is at the window looking outside.


Welcome back, son.


Who are you?


I’m  your saving grace.


Yeah, right.  Listen, I just want to get back to my wife and kid.


Sure thing, just go ahead and grab your clothes…

STRETCH looks for his clothes, which are hanging on the back of the door, ten feet away from him.  He begins to get up before MUSTACHE turns, smirking.


…Without leaving your bed.

STRETCH gives him a look.


That’s impossible.


Don’t know til you try, do you son?

STRETCH grimaces.  All he wants is to see his wife and kid.  He extends his right arm, teeth gritted, eyes narrowed.  Those narrow eyes quickly widen when sees his ARM STRETCHING ACROSS THE ROOM, PICKING UP HIS CLOTHES.  STRETCH, awestruck, looks over at MUSTACHE.


What’d you do to me?


Made you better, son.


I’m not going home, am I?


I could tell you that you were, but then…

MUSTACHE turns and moves over to the door, opening it before turning back to face STRETCH.


I’d be stretching the truth, wouldn’t I?

MUSTACHE exits, leaving STRETCH alone to ponder what exactly they did to him….

Crazy stuff, right?  I think it has the potential to be a blockbuster.


PS: Oh, and just in case Hollywood does come upon this.  Copyright, Zach Arnold, 7/09/2009, completed at 2:13 pm.