Hello, World. Meet Awesomeness.

2 08 2009
You can just hear the speed metal playing in the background, can't you?

You can just hear the speed metal playing in the background, can't you?

I owe an apology to you people.

I promised you three parts to the “Hollywood Saves the Environment” series.  Stretch Armstrong tickled your funny bone.  Asteroids played havoc with your digestive tract.

But Viewmaster?

I got stuck.  A writer’s block, if you would.  The more and more I thought about it, the more I became frustrated with the notion.

My original idea was to spoof the horror genre, a la Final Destination, but then I realized that it had already been done by none other than…Final Destination.

So, I’m sorry.  If inspiration strikes, and the ideas flow, then I will certainly complete the series.  For now, however, it remains unfinished.

That does not mean I don’t have something for you lovely people, however.  Indeed, I have decided to share with you the plot outline for what is possibly the greatest movie yet to be made.  This movie will be adored by millions.  It will never win an award (ever), but will touch America’s heart with its combination of action, drama, and thinly veiled stereotyping.  Kind of like Transformers.

And now, I present to you: Superman/Jesus vs. Godzilla/King Kong: No Inheritance for the Meek.

King Kong goes back in time and kills John the Baptist.  Craving justice, Jesus follows him into the time portal that was opened.

Superman fights Godzilla.  No reason for it yet, but just the mental image is badass.  Also, we have Superman going to the depths of the sea to retrieve the Titanic, using it merely as a projectile against Godzilla.  Cameo by James Cameron cursing Superman for destroying the ship that made him the man he is.  Cameron will get cut off mid-sentence by Godzilla spraying him with Flame-Breath.

Godzilla and King Kong team up, so Jesus and Superman are forced to join together to stop the menace.  Obviously, it’d have to be set up for Jesus and Superman to have a dislike for each other, if they’re being forced to team up.  Maybe Jesus stops Superman from catching Lex Luthor.  OR, it’s revealed that Lois’ last name is originally Lankowitz, and Superman (newly converted) refuses to acknowledge Jesus as the Son of God.  Continuity be damned.

The Richmond Kazoo Orchestra plays our national anthem at the Richmond International Speedway, complete with shots of people crying.

A chorus of orphans should be added to sing with the orchestra, only to be stamped into the ground when King Kong and Godzilla bust through the Speedway, looking for the State Fair.  Upon revelation that the Fair has moved, even more carnage ensues.

Somewhere in the second act, Jesus and Superman have a falling out, due to Jesus buying a cheeseburger, despite Supes’ pleas to keep it kosher.  The argument ends with Jesus leaving.

Godzilla reveals himself to actually be Ronald Reagan. It’s also revealed he’s in cahoots with Sarah Palin to be her running mate in 2012.  It could happen.

While Superman struggles to defeat both King Kong and Reagan-Godzilla, Jesus comes flying in on the back of Mothra.  Or a pterodactyl.  Either way, the red sash he is usually depicted as wearing is wrapped around his head, Rambo-style. Victory soon ensues.

Superman asks what Jesus wants for helping him.  He says he wants John the Baptist alive again.  Superman soars into the atmosphere and flies, forcing the earth to spin backwards in its rotation, sending them back in time.

With John the Baptist saved, Jesus puts his hands into a river, making it all wine.  Superman spins around the wine-river, causing it to funnel and fly out, filling all the cups of the people while Europe’s “Final Countdown” plays in the background.

Awesome?  Awesome.

While back in time, Jesus looks at Superman and says, “You know this means King Kong and Godzilla are alive again.”  Superman nods, and we cut to credits.

Best.  Movie.  Ever.

Of course, there are some kinks.  But it doesn’t matter.  Either way, it will rock the American people like they have not been rocked before.

Ah!  The poster would have Superman caught in the jaws of Godzilla, with Jesus flying through the air, preparing to stab Godzilla with a pointed cross, and King Kong in the background, running towards the battle.

Don’t you wish this movie was made?

You better.

ZA

Starring:

Steve Carrell as Superman; Will Ferrell as Jesus; Salma Hayek as Lois Lane; “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan as Herod; Burt Reynolds as John the Baptist; Dom Deluise as Judas; Jackie Mason as Perry White; Ronald Reagan as Ronald Reagan (Digitally insert his past performances, specifically Knute Rockne: All American, Bedtime for Bonzo, and his 1981-1989 administration);

Still casting for King Kong, Jimmy Olsen, Lex Luthor, and the Virgin Mary.


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A conversation between Michael Bay and a screenwriter

26 06 2009

The screenwriter (We’ll call him Gary), waits in Michael Bay’s office in downtown Los Angeles.  His script tucked under his arm, he gazes out the floor-to-ceiling window, soaking in the glamour-filled quagmire that is the City of Angels.  Suddenly, a Blackhawk helicopter comes into view!  The chopper turns, facing the window, and in addition, a panic-stricken Gary.  Over the roar of the rotors, he hears Bay’s voice boom from the loudspeaker attached to the front of the Blackhawk.

Bay: You might want to move aside, man!

Gary dives to the right as the Blackhawk almost immediately opens fire, spraying the window with bullets, shattering the large pane of glass, sending the shards tumbling down to the streets below.  The sounds of car tires screeching, metal crunching together as the innocent drivers crash into one another.  The chopper turns, the door on the side sliding open, and Michael Bay jumping from the Blackhawk into the office, tucking into a ball and rolling in, his body slamming against the wall.  He stands, brushing himself off as the chopper leaves, ascending into the sky.  Gary is cowering in the corner, his script clutched tightly to his chest.  Bay turns and sees the aspiring writer.  His mouth cracks into a wide grin.

Bay: Pretty badass, huh?

Gary: Y-yes sir, Mr. Bay.

Bay: Please, call me sir.

Bay helps Gary up to his feet.

Bay: Or you can call me Mr. Awesome, whatever.

Gary: …Okay…sir.

Bay: Alright, so you’re my 3 o’ clock, right?

Bay breaks into a fast run, jumping and sliding across his desk, landing effortlessly into his office chair, the upholstery decorated with explosions and the words “BOOM”, “POW”, and images of scantily-clad women.

Gary: I…uh, like your chair, sir.

Bay: Oh yeah?  Got it custom made.  All the chicks on there are modelled after Megan Fox.  Used to be Liv Tyler, but was so 1998, you know?

Gary: Sure, yeah, that’s when you directed Armageddon.

Bay: (Irate) Directed?  Directed?!  (Punches wall) I did not direct Armageddon!  I was Armageddon!

Gary: R-right, sorry…

Bay: So tell me what you got for me.

Gary: Well, sir, it’s a coming-of-age story about a young boy growing up in the suburbs of Clevela…

Bay: Are there explosions?

Gary: What?

Bay: Are there any explosions in your script?

Gary: Well…no, sir.  I was thinking that this would be a tight, small drama, with a minimal budget.

Bay: (Nearly choking on his own tongue) Minimal…budget?

Gary: Yes sir.  There’s no need for an explosion…

Bay: (Slams fist on table) No!  There needs to be an explosion, dammit!  How’s the father die?

Gary: (Flipping through the script) No one really dies, sir…

Bay: So you scheduled a meeting with me, Michael Bay, Mr. Awesome himself, to go over a script, where there’s no explosions and no deaths.

Gary: Yes sir, I thought you might want to branch out, do something outside of your comfort zone, maybe present a challenge to yourself…

Bay: Don’t you patronize me!

Gary: I don’t really think that’s the correct usage of that verb, Mr. Bay…

Bay: Awesome!  Mr. Awesome!  (Flips desk, then pours gasoline over it, lighting it on fire) Why don’t you tell me why you’re really here, Mr. I’m-Too-Good-To-Have-An-Explosion-In-My-Screenplay?!

Gary: (Deep breath) Fine…I think you’re a hack, a guy who has yet to grow out of the late 90’s mindset that big explosions, massive T&A, and minimal plot are what the people of the world want to see.  Yes, there will always be a need for that in entertainment, but when your plotlines are so simplistic a 2-year old can create a better story, a smarter man would realize that maybe, just maybe he should push himself a little harder if he wants to remain relevant in the entertainment industry.  However, I doubt you’re ever going to mature into that mindset, Mr. Awesome, so I’m just going to take my script and meet with a director whose vision is not solely focused on exciting adolescent males.

Gary leaves, Bay speechless as the remnants of his desk smolder.  From below, we hear a lone voice rise up from the streets.

Voice from Below: Curse you, Bay, the shards of glass from your helicopter stunt impaled my Maserati!

Bay: Up yours, Bruckheimer!

And that’s my pre-review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

ZA

PS: Am I spot-on of my portrayal of Michael Bay?  Off-target?  Right in the middle?  Leave a comment and let me know.