Hello, World. Meet Awesomeness.

2 08 2009
You can just hear the speed metal playing in the background, can't you?

You can just hear the speed metal playing in the background, can't you?

I owe an apology to you people.

I promised you three parts to the “Hollywood Saves the Environment” series.  Stretch Armstrong tickled your funny bone.  Asteroids played havoc with your digestive tract.

But Viewmaster?

I got stuck.  A writer’s block, if you would.  The more and more I thought about it, the more I became frustrated with the notion.

My original idea was to spoof the horror genre, a la Final Destination, but then I realized that it had already been done by none other than…Final Destination.

So, I’m sorry.  If inspiration strikes, and the ideas flow, then I will certainly complete the series.  For now, however, it remains unfinished.

That does not mean I don’t have something for you lovely people, however.  Indeed, I have decided to share with you the plot outline for what is possibly the greatest movie yet to be made.  This movie will be adored by millions.  It will never win an award (ever), but will touch America’s heart with its combination of action, drama, and thinly veiled stereotyping.  Kind of like Transformers.

And now, I present to you: Superman/Jesus vs. Godzilla/King Kong: No Inheritance for the Meek.

King Kong goes back in time and kills John the Baptist.  Craving justice, Jesus follows him into the time portal that was opened.

Superman fights Godzilla.  No reason for it yet, but just the mental image is badass.  Also, we have Superman going to the depths of the sea to retrieve the Titanic, using it merely as a projectile against Godzilla.  Cameo by James Cameron cursing Superman for destroying the ship that made him the man he is.  Cameron will get cut off mid-sentence by Godzilla spraying him with Flame-Breath.

Godzilla and King Kong team up, so Jesus and Superman are forced to join together to stop the menace.  Obviously, it’d have to be set up for Jesus and Superman to have a dislike for each other, if they’re being forced to team up.  Maybe Jesus stops Superman from catching Lex Luthor.  OR, it’s revealed that Lois’ last name is originally Lankowitz, and Superman (newly converted) refuses to acknowledge Jesus as the Son of God.  Continuity be damned.

The Richmond Kazoo Orchestra plays our national anthem at the Richmond International Speedway, complete with shots of people crying.

A chorus of orphans should be added to sing with the orchestra, only to be stamped into the ground when King Kong and Godzilla bust through the Speedway, looking for the State Fair.  Upon revelation that the Fair has moved, even more carnage ensues.

Somewhere in the second act, Jesus and Superman have a falling out, due to Jesus buying a cheeseburger, despite Supes’ pleas to keep it kosher.  The argument ends with Jesus leaving.

Godzilla reveals himself to actually be Ronald Reagan. It’s also revealed he’s in cahoots with Sarah Palin to be her running mate in 2012.  It could happen.

While Superman struggles to defeat both King Kong and Reagan-Godzilla, Jesus comes flying in on the back of Mothra.  Or a pterodactyl.  Either way, the red sash he is usually depicted as wearing is wrapped around his head, Rambo-style. Victory soon ensues.

Superman asks what Jesus wants for helping him.  He says he wants John the Baptist alive again.  Superman soars into the atmosphere and flies, forcing the earth to spin backwards in its rotation, sending them back in time.

With John the Baptist saved, Jesus puts his hands into a river, making it all wine.  Superman spins around the wine-river, causing it to funnel and fly out, filling all the cups of the people while Europe’s “Final Countdown” plays in the background.

Awesome?  Awesome.

While back in time, Jesus looks at Superman and says, “You know this means King Kong and Godzilla are alive again.”  Superman nods, and we cut to credits.

Best.  Movie.  Ever.

Of course, there are some kinks.  But it doesn’t matter.  Either way, it will rock the American people like they have not been rocked before.

Ah!  The poster would have Superman caught in the jaws of Godzilla, with Jesus flying through the air, preparing to stab Godzilla with a pointed cross, and King Kong in the background, running towards the battle.

Don’t you wish this movie was made?

You better.

ZA

Starring:

Steve Carrell as Superman; Will Ferrell as Jesus; Salma Hayek as Lois Lane; “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan as Herod; Burt Reynolds as John the Baptist; Dom Deluise as Judas; Jackie Mason as Perry White; Ronald Reagan as Ronald Reagan (Digitally insert his past performances, specifically Knute Rockne: All American, Bedtime for Bonzo, and his 1981-1989 administration);

Still casting for King Kong, Jimmy Olsen, Lex Luthor, and the Virgin Mary.


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Ah, gracias para la "fresh bull," Señora Palin.

27 01 2009

2009. WOW. I think 2009 is, so far, promising to be an innovative year. With the inauguration of the first African-American president, the rise and fall of gas prices, citizens becoming more fiscally responsible, the conversion to all-digital television, and with the invention of the new Chipotle iPhone application, Americans are constantly thinking FORWARD. How can we work together to IMPROVE our lives? How can we improve the lives of others? Ah, it really makes one feel all warm and gooey inside. [It also makes me wanna snack on an orange glazed cinnamon roll].

Truthfully, it is my feeling that the best way to find out what people are thinking is to survey them. Right? Well, I guess that all depends on WHAT you are surveying and whether or not that survey is worth my time, your time, our time, time in general.

WELL, according to a recent survey, Sarah Palin was considered to be the most desired person Americans would want to live next door to. (Side NOTE: REALLY? You mean to tell me that money was actually put into the campaign of surveying people about this ridiculous question. WHO CARES? Seriously. Is this on the for realz?) Back to the subject at hand. Honestly, I think these results are interesting. Sure, she’s “cute,” “charming,” and “pitbull-like,” but let us consider for a moment what it would REALLY be like to have Sarah Palin as your neighbor.

Shes not crazy, shes a maverick!

She's not crazy, she's a maverick!

(These are not ranked in any sort of particular order. It’s simply a list of things I think might happen.) 

1. Hockey parties. Who doesn’t love a night over at the Palin’s with her Todd in the kitchen making stir fry and the rugrats running around the house while Piper judges them. Meanwhile, the neighbs are sitting in the family room discussing the Canes and how they are just like the Mighty Ducks. Be cautious however about getting too excited, you never know when someone might go into labor. 

2. Fresh bull. This is sort of a double entendre, if you will. Sare (my new nickname for Madame Palin) will not only grill the fresh bull/moose/bison/porpous etc. that she shot that day, but she will also dish out fresh bull…sh*t. You know, buttering you up. Like how she ate that entire fruitcake you made her when she moved onto your street. How she got her new suit at the local thrift store. That new haircut you got, just FABULOUS *wink*. Oh, and she can’t see you changing in your bedroom from her living room. We know this is a lie, because Sare sees all. She is the all-seeing and omniscient Sare. 

3. Innovative nicknames. The fact that she named her own kids names such as Trig, Track, Willow, Lawn, etc… we know she will absolutely be innovative in her naming of you and yours. 

++++

Well, no matter what, you know Sare would be a loyal neighbor. Always participating in neighborhood watch meetings, block parties, and social gatherings. And let’s be honest, she’d be a better gubernatorial neighbor than Mr. Rod Blagojevich.

All for now.