Hello, World. Meet Awesomeness.

2 08 2009
You can just hear the speed metal playing in the background, can't you?

You can just hear the speed metal playing in the background, can't you?

I owe an apology to you people.

I promised you three parts to the “Hollywood Saves the Environment” series.  Stretch Armstrong tickled your funny bone.  Asteroids played havoc with your digestive tract.

But Viewmaster?

I got stuck.  A writer’s block, if you would.  The more and more I thought about it, the more I became frustrated with the notion.

My original idea was to spoof the horror genre, a la Final Destination, but then I realized that it had already been done by none other than…Final Destination.

So, I’m sorry.  If inspiration strikes, and the ideas flow, then I will certainly complete the series.  For now, however, it remains unfinished.

That does not mean I don’t have something for you lovely people, however.  Indeed, I have decided to share with you the plot outline for what is possibly the greatest movie yet to be made.  This movie will be adored by millions.  It will never win an award (ever), but will touch America’s heart with its combination of action, drama, and thinly veiled stereotyping.  Kind of like Transformers.

And now, I present to you: Superman/Jesus vs. Godzilla/King Kong: No Inheritance for the Meek.

King Kong goes back in time and kills John the Baptist.  Craving justice, Jesus follows him into the time portal that was opened.

Superman fights Godzilla.  No reason for it yet, but just the mental image is badass.  Also, we have Superman going to the depths of the sea to retrieve the Titanic, using it merely as a projectile against Godzilla.  Cameo by James Cameron cursing Superman for destroying the ship that made him the man he is.  Cameron will get cut off mid-sentence by Godzilla spraying him with Flame-Breath.

Godzilla and King Kong team up, so Jesus and Superman are forced to join together to stop the menace.  Obviously, it’d have to be set up for Jesus and Superman to have a dislike for each other, if they’re being forced to team up.  Maybe Jesus stops Superman from catching Lex Luthor.  OR, it’s revealed that Lois’ last name is originally Lankowitz, and Superman (newly converted) refuses to acknowledge Jesus as the Son of God.  Continuity be damned.

The Richmond Kazoo Orchestra plays our national anthem at the Richmond International Speedway, complete with shots of people crying.

A chorus of orphans should be added to sing with the orchestra, only to be stamped into the ground when King Kong and Godzilla bust through the Speedway, looking for the State Fair.  Upon revelation that the Fair has moved, even more carnage ensues.

Somewhere in the second act, Jesus and Superman have a falling out, due to Jesus buying a cheeseburger, despite Supes’ pleas to keep it kosher.  The argument ends with Jesus leaving.

Godzilla reveals himself to actually be Ronald Reagan. It’s also revealed he’s in cahoots with Sarah Palin to be her running mate in 2012.  It could happen.

While Superman struggles to defeat both King Kong and Reagan-Godzilla, Jesus comes flying in on the back of Mothra.  Or a pterodactyl.  Either way, the red sash he is usually depicted as wearing is wrapped around his head, Rambo-style. Victory soon ensues.

Superman asks what Jesus wants for helping him.  He says he wants John the Baptist alive again.  Superman soars into the atmosphere and flies, forcing the earth to spin backwards in its rotation, sending them back in time.

With John the Baptist saved, Jesus puts his hands into a river, making it all wine.  Superman spins around the wine-river, causing it to funnel and fly out, filling all the cups of the people while Europe’s “Final Countdown” plays in the background.

Awesome?  Awesome.

While back in time, Jesus looks at Superman and says, “You know this means King Kong and Godzilla are alive again.”  Superman nods, and we cut to credits.

Best.  Movie.  Ever.

Of course, there are some kinks.  But it doesn’t matter.  Either way, it will rock the American people like they have not been rocked before.

Ah!  The poster would have Superman caught in the jaws of Godzilla, with Jesus flying through the air, preparing to stab Godzilla with a pointed cross, and King Kong in the background, running towards the battle.

Don’t you wish this movie was made?

You better.

ZA

Starring:

Steve Carrell as Superman; Will Ferrell as Jesus; Salma Hayek as Lois Lane; “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan as Herod; Burt Reynolds as John the Baptist; Dom Deluise as Judas; Jackie Mason as Perry White; Ronald Reagan as Ronald Reagan (Digitally insert his past performances, specifically Knute Rockne: All American, Bedtime for Bonzo, and his 1981-1989 administration);

Still casting for King Kong, Jimmy Olsen, Lex Luthor, and the Virgin Mary.






Dear ______, Heaven is here. Wish you were beautiful.

26 01 2009

As I get older and enjoy the History channel more and more, I begin to reflect on the end of days. [I think I’ve watched that special on Nostradamus and December 21, 2012 one too many times.] Undoubtedly, there are countless theories regarding the demise of the world: armageddon, the world blowing up (or something), the end of the Mayan calendar, and of course the most popular: THE RAPTURE.

When the rapture comes, can I have your dog?

When the rapture comes, can I have your dog?

There are a multitude of fears and unknowns surrounding the ever-looming second coming of Christ. When? What will happen? What will it be like? And it goes without saying, what about those who are left behind?

Well, you know when the rapture does come a-knockin’, my first thought will go to those left in the wake to serve at the mercy of evil for 7 years. Clearly I’m going to need to get ahold of those people I care about and I will want them to receive an encouraging note from me during the tribulation. (“Hey _____, sorry you didn’t make the cut. Luv ya!”) But how will I ever get the message to them if I am in Heaven and they are on earth? Well, thankfully I was able to stumble across this: The Post-Rapture Post. YES! I am now posthumously and/or post-rapturely able to send my loved ones who did not accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior a letter letting them know that I love them, will miss them, good luck with the Antichrist, etc… Now, you may be wondering, “How will my loved ones receive my letter if I am in Heaven? How will I know they have read it?” The answer is FAITH, my friend. Oh, and the creators of the Post-Rapture Post are non-believers. Ergo, they’ll do the dirty work and send it off for you! Oh, and one more thing, due to the separation of Church and State, the United States Postal Service will still be up and running; so you can rest assured, your letter will be handled with care and in the hands of your loved ones in 3-5 business days.

Okay, now for those of you who are a part of Gen-Y, you’re probably saying to yourself, “Ew. Snail mail. That is sooo not cool even when the world is under the control of the Antichrist. I ONLY email.” Well, look no further, because someone already thought of that! I present to you: You’ve Been Left Behind.

Because when snail mail fails, GMAIL prevails!

Because when snail mail fails, GMAIL prevails!

 

You’ve Been Left Behind is a service geared towards the technologically-savvy believer. For $40 a year (assuming the Antichrist is still circulating American currency), you can send an email to no more than 62 friends, family, and disgruntled co-workers EXACTLY 6 days after the rapture. In contrast to the Post-Rapture Post, this service is run BY believers. How it works is that the You’ve Been Left Behind server is run by a proxy, and if the program is not logged-into for 6 consecutive days, the server will automatically send the emails you paid for. So, when your loved ones are roaming earth after being left behind and they say, “You know, I haven’t checked my email in a few days. I wonder if I have anymore Twitter followers…” They will log-on, read your note of love, and that will make them feel great.

I know I sleep better at night with the knowledge that my loved ones will roam earth for 7 years knowing how I felt about them. Meanwhile, I’ll be in Heaven high-fiving Jesus

All for now.