Here in Virginia, a state of emergency has been declared in advance of the massive amount of snow we’re allegedly going to be seeing within nine hours. Snowfall in Richmond is expected to reach anywhere from 3 to 5 inches.
Yes, Virginia, it’s time to panic. Civilization as we know it is going to devolve back to the days of the cave-people. We’ll be fighting wooly mammoths in no time.
Fortunately, having lived in Virginia all my life, I have made a guide to surviving the catastrophe known as a moderate snowfall. Join me, won’t you?
24 HOURS BEFORE SNOW
This is when you venture out into society in an attempt to scavenge all you can for the two or three days you will be buried under snow. The main places to visit are Home Depot/Lowes, and your choice of grocery store. Be sure to stock up on toilet paper, milk, bread, eggs, ammunition, and multiple shovels (one to dig yourself out of snowbanks, the others for melee combat). Also, be sure to purchase at least one red bandana. The bandana, as decreed in the Great Blizzard of 1993, is a symbol to all that you have no intention of raiding their supplies.
12 HOURS BEFORE SNOW
Here is where paths diverge slightly. For those living in single-family homes, especially on cul-de-sacs, be sure to get a jump on slippery roads by pre-salting your driveway, steps, and sidewalk. If any deer attempt to eat the salt, shoot them and strip off the pelts. Once the world economy collapses due to the moderate snowfall, deer meat and pelts will be considered the newest and best form of currency.
For those living in apartment buildings or condos, be sure that your doors and windows have multiple locks, and that they are in use. Cabin fever sets in quickly for our ADD-addled lifestyles, and you don’t want some guy coming into your apartment at 3am, wondering if you’d like to engage in a game of Strip Risk.
6 HOURS TO SNOW
Stay inside, but near a window with your photographing tool of choice, be it a camera, camera-phone, or iPhone. Those with internet capabilities on their phones, send a photo and an update every five minutes. Acceptable captions for photos include: “It’s so pretty!” “I’m glad we closed early!” “I don’t want to be out in that!” or any variation thereof. Those who are more of the business sense would be inclined to take photos of any surplus supplies they have, accompanied with a caption detailing how much you are selling each supply for. The ground rules for resale are as follows:
Toilet Paper: Half deer pelt per roll.
Bread: Full deer pelt per loaf.
Milk: Full deer pelt, along with 5 pounds of deer meat. If not able to recompense with deer, the rights to the first-born offspring is an acceptable substitute.
Shovels: Do NOT sell your shovels. You don’t want to further arm your neighbors-soon-to-be-enemies-of-your-territory.
6 HOURS AFTER SNOW
Depending on depth of snow, you may wish to venture outside. This brings one of two advantages: 1) You will be one of the first out there and able to declare yourself the new King, and 2) You can see which of your neighbors is not fully prepared, and exploit it to your advantage.
AFTER THE SNOW HAS MELTED
Dispose of any spoiled deer meat. Keep the pelts. Go around to your neighbors and apologize for placing a crusade against their household. If necessary, return the first-born offspring.
Have a good laugh, and forget about everything you just read until next year, when the same hysteria resumes.