Dear ______, Heaven is here. Wish you were beautiful.

26 01 2009

As I get older and enjoy the History channel more and more, I begin to reflect on the end of days. [I think I’ve watched that special on Nostradamus and December 21, 2012 one too many times.] Undoubtedly, there are countless theories regarding the demise of the world: armageddon, the world blowing up (or something), the end of the Mayan calendar, and of course the most popular: THE RAPTURE.

When the rapture comes, can I have your dog?

When the rapture comes, can I have your dog?

There are a multitude of fears and unknowns surrounding the ever-looming second coming of Christ. When? What will happen? What will it be like? And it goes without saying, what about those who are left behind?

Well, you know when the rapture does come a-knockin’, my first thought will go to those left in the wake to serve at the mercy of evil for 7 years. Clearly I’m going to need to get ahold of those people I care about and I will want them to receive an encouraging note from me during the tribulation. (“Hey _____, sorry you didn’t make the cut. Luv ya!”) But how will I ever get the message to them if I am in Heaven and they are on earth? Well, thankfully I was able to stumble across this: The Post-Rapture Post. YES! I am now posthumously and/or post-rapturely able to send my loved ones who did not accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior a letter letting them know that I love them, will miss them, good luck with the Antichrist, etc… Now, you may be wondering, “How will my loved ones receive my letter if I am in Heaven? How will I know they have read it?” The answer is FAITH, my friend. Oh, and the creators of the Post-Rapture Post are non-believers. Ergo, they’ll do the dirty work and send it off for you! Oh, and one more thing, due to the separation of Church and State, the United States Postal Service will still be up and running; so you can rest assured, your letter will be handled with care and in the hands of your loved ones in 3-5 business days.

Okay, now for those of you who are a part of Gen-Y, you’re probably saying to yourself, “Ew. Snail mail. That is sooo not cool even when the world is under the control of the Antichrist. I ONLY email.” Well, look no further, because someone already thought of that! I present to you: You’ve Been Left Behind.

Because when snail mail fails, GMAIL prevails!

Because when snail mail fails, GMAIL prevails!


You’ve Been Left Behind is a service geared towards the technologically-savvy believer. For $40 a year (assuming the Antichrist is still circulating American currency), you can send an email to no more than 62 friends, family, and disgruntled co-workers EXACTLY 6 days after the rapture. In contrast to the Post-Rapture Post, this service is run BY believers. How it works is that the You’ve Been Left Behind server is run by a proxy, and if the program is not logged-into for 6 consecutive days, the server will automatically send the emails you paid for. So, when your loved ones are roaming earth after being left behind and they say, “You know, I haven’t checked my email in a few days. I wonder if I have anymore Twitter followers…” They will log-on, read your note of love, and that will make them feel great.

I know I sleep better at night with the knowledge that my loved ones will roam earth for 7 years knowing how I felt about them. Meanwhile, I’ll be in Heaven high-fiving Jesus

All for now.