Gov. Blagojevich’s Unemployment Snafu: SOLVED!

29 01 2009

The Illinois state Senate voted unanimously today in the impeachment trial of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

He couldnt possibly have been a good governor... he looks like a Grinch.

He couldn't possibly have been a good governor... he looks like a Who from Whoville.

Governor Blagojevich (for those of you who pay no attention to the news and/or PerezHilton.com) was accused of trying to sell the Senate seat formerly held by President Barack Obama. During the trial, Blagojevich claimed that he “did nothing wrong” and that there is really no sufficient evidence to convict him. 

Blah, blah, Blahgojevich. Your feelings are really none of my concern. We have bigger fish to fry. Elisabeth Hasselbeck from “The View” announced today that she is preggers. Which means, pretty soon she’ll be on maternity leave. Which means, there’s a seat open. And THAT seat is going to need to be filled.

I have some outstanding debts that need to be “taken care of” and I know a guy at ABC [actually, I know a girl who knows a guy at ABC]. Well Mr. Blagojevich, I have JUST the job for you! Personally, I think “Blagojevich, Behar, & Goldberg” has a nice ring to it (or it just sounds like a bad injury law firm).

So, B-Dog (can I call you B-Dog?) give me a ring. Let’s work something out. My phone is always open.





Ah, gracias para la "fresh bull," Señora Palin.

27 01 2009

2009. WOW. I think 2009 is, so far, promising to be an innovative year. With the inauguration of the first African-American president, the rise and fall of gas prices, citizens becoming more fiscally responsible, the conversion to all-digital television, and with the invention of the new Chipotle iPhone application, Americans are constantly thinking FORWARD. How can we work together to IMPROVE our lives? How can we improve the lives of others? Ah, it really makes one feel all warm and gooey inside. [It also makes me wanna snack on an orange glazed cinnamon roll].

Truthfully, it is my feeling that the best way to find out what people are thinking is to survey them. Right? Well, I guess that all depends on WHAT you are surveying and whether or not that survey is worth my time, your time, our time, time in general.

WELL, according to a recent survey, Sarah Palin was considered to be the most desired person Americans would want to live next door to. (Side NOTE: REALLY? You mean to tell me that money was actually put into the campaign of surveying people about this ridiculous question. WHO CARES? Seriously. Is this on the for realz?) Back to the subject at hand. Honestly, I think these results are interesting. Sure, she’s “cute,” “charming,” and “pitbull-like,” but let us consider for a moment what it would REALLY be like to have Sarah Palin as your neighbor.

Shes not crazy, shes a maverick!

She's not crazy, she's a maverick!

(These are not ranked in any sort of particular order. It’s simply a list of things I think might happen.) 

1. Hockey parties. Who doesn’t love a night over at the Palin’s with her Todd in the kitchen making stir fry and the rugrats running around the house while Piper judges them. Meanwhile, the neighbs are sitting in the family room discussing the Canes and how they are just like the Mighty Ducks. Be cautious however about getting too excited, you never know when someone might go into labor. 

2. Fresh bull. This is sort of a double entendre, if you will. Sare (my new nickname for Madame Palin) will not only grill the fresh bull/moose/bison/porpous etc. that she shot that day, but she will also dish out fresh bull…sh*t. You know, buttering you up. Like how she ate that entire fruitcake you made her when she moved onto your street. How she got her new suit at the local thrift store. That new haircut you got, just FABULOUS *wink*. Oh, and she can’t see you changing in your bedroom from her living room. We know this is a lie, because Sare sees all. She is the all-seeing and omniscient Sare. 

3. Innovative nicknames. The fact that she named her own kids names such as Trig, Track, Willow, Lawn, etc… we know she will absolutely be innovative in her naming of you and yours. 

++++

Well, no matter what, you know Sare would be a loyal neighbor. Always participating in neighborhood watch meetings, block parties, and social gatherings. And let’s be honest, she’d be a better gubernatorial neighbor than Mr. Rod Blagojevich.

All for now.