A Brief Guide to Un-friending.

31 12 2009

This is going to be a short and sweet entry, as it’s lunch-time and the stomach’s a-rumbling.

Recently, a friend of mine on Facebook joined the group, “Unfriended…Why?!”.  I’m sure we’ve all looked at our list of friends, noticed that the number is one or two less than the previous day, and wondered where exactly we went wrong.

To perhaps help your wondering, I’ve decided to give a quick list of why I have un-friended people in the past.


  • You friend me, send me a brief message saying “Hey!  How you been?!”, then don’t contact me for the rest of the year.
  • You friend me, only to have access to my information in an attempt to get “closer” to me, either geographically or emotionally.
  • You friend me, and then immediately bombard me with requests to join Mafia Wars, FarmVille, ZooTopia, etc.
  • You friend me, and it becomes apparent you are a habitual group-joiner.  Every time I look at my Live/News Feed, it informs me you’ve joined yet another group.  I know I could simply hide your philandering updates, but I prefer to judge and judge harshly.
  • You friend me, and you’re an ass.
  • You friend me, and  you’re a demon.
  • You friend me, only because you’re part of some crazy virtual scavenger hunt, and need someone who lives in the Richmond region.

Those are a few reasons.  Feel free to add your own, or call me out on one or two of them.



Tweet this, b****es!

19 10 2009

Carl and Sarah are walking through a forest.

Carl:…And then I thought my status update was hi-lar-ious, so I went ahead and liked it myself.  You know,  so people would see how clever I was.

Sarah: Yeah, I saw that.  Oh, did you see Lenny’s link to that video of that dude singing karaoke in his bedroom?

Carl: That was so great!  I’m going to do the same thing, except I’ll sing pop songs instead that Linkin Park shi…Ow!

Carl collapses to his knee, grabbing above his ankle.

Sarah: What is it?!

Carl: Something bit me!

Sarah: Let me take a look…oh yeah, it looks like a snake bit you.

Carl: What if it was poisonous?!

Sarah: Don’t worry, I’ll look up how to get the venom out.  Just give me a second…

Carl waits, sitting on the ground, clutching his ankle, grimacing in pain.  Sarah gets on her iPhone and quickly begins typing.  After 15 seconds, she’s still typing.  30, still typing.


Sarah: What?  Oh, my bad!  I wanted to let everyone know what had happened, so I logged onto Facebook real quick.

She looks at her phone while Carl slowly begins slumping down.

Sarah: Ooh, and people have already started to comment! Hehe, Jerry said that you’re finally one with nature.  That’s so funny.

Carl continues his descent into the dark void known as death.  Sarah is oblivious.

Sarah: Hey, I know!  Let me get a quick pic of the bite, so everyone can see!

Carl’s unresponsive, laying flat on the floor.  Sarah picks up his bitten leg, holding it up to take a photo with her iPhone.

Sarah: There we go.  Now just upload it to twitpic.  Let’s see, what’s a good tweet for this…Got it!  “Carl bit by snake…or angry forest nymphs?!”, asterisk, “conspiracy”.  Excellent…

Sarah looks down at Carl, who by now is dead.  Completely dead.  Gone.  Kaput.  Sarah gives the body a quick jab with her foot, then shrugs.  She starts walking, her focus on the screen of the iPhone.

Sarah: (Typing) Carl’s dead…F…M…L…(She continues walking)What, Lenny, you liked that?!…Oh, your comment is explaining that the “Like” is supposed be a “Dislike”, I get it!…

The screen fades to black as a voiceover begins.

Ressurection App?  Not yet...
VO: The iPhone 3.0.  We can’t bring your friend back to life, but you sure as hell can tweet about his untimely demise.

Many Facebook users are victim of ongoing Mafia war

27 09 2009

Disassociated Press, 9-26-2009

Zach Arnold

Ryan Rezinski woke up this morning to find his Facebook profile in shambles.

“Someone came in overnight  and just ransacked the whole thing.  My favorite quotes, wall posts, photo albums…all of it’s been destroyed.” Rezinski said, fighting back tears.  “I don’t understand…I didn’t do anything wrong.”

This recent attack is not an isolated incident.  Over the past year, there have been multiple reports of Facebook users’ profiles being ransacked, ultimately leaving the familiar blue & white page a shell of what it once was.

The reason behind this epidemic?  One needs to look no further than the large scale Mafia war that has broken out across the site.

At last count, over 24.5 million people on Facebook have joined the ranks of the Mafia.  One of the requirements in gaining acceptance, and in turn more power, is recruiting your friends to become part of the Mafia.  Many do accept the offer, but for the few that do not, the consequences are heartbreaking.

Lynne Wapnerson is one of those people who dealt with the consequences.  “It was 6 pm on a Friday, and I got a message saying my friend Rita was offering me a chance to join her gang.  Now, I’m just on Facebook to find old friends, maybe play some FarmVille in my free time.  I never wanted to be part of a Mafia.  So I clicked the ignore button and thought that was the end of it.  Well, on Sunday, I got another request from Rita to join her gang.  Except this time, she sent me a message telling me that she ‘couldn’t be responsible for what happened’ if I didn’t join up.  I thought she was joking, and I clicked the ignore button again.  Monday morning, I go to my profile, and everything is ruined.”  Lynne’s eyes go misty as she stares straight ahead.  “And my farm?  On FarmVille?  It was razed, completely demolished.  All my crops, my cattle, everything was either dead or dying.”

Since that incident, Lynne has closed that profile and created a new one under an alias, created with the help of a government agency.

“We are taking these Mafia wars very seriously.” A spokesperson for the FBI commented.  “Ordinary people who desire to live their lives in peace should not have to deal with these aggressors.  We do have people on the inside, and are hoping to bring down the organizations within 3 years.”

Until then, though, how many more innocent people must lose their profiles?  For some, that blue & white page is their livelihood.  Notes replacing diaries; Favorite Quotes replacing the desire to have “Of all the things I lost, I miss my mind the most” tattooed across their shoulders; Friend Requests replacing…friend requests.  “Most people just want everyone to know their opinion about Fall Out Boy,” The FBI spokesperson said, “And until we bring down those Mafia organizations to cease the wars, the FBI encourages people to continue posting and updating their profiles.  There is an end in sight.”

If you or anyone you know has either been involved in the Mafia war, or has been attempted to be recruited, please contact the nearest FBI agency in your area.


Lions and Tigers and Change oh my!

13 03 2009

Why do people find it necessary to fight change? If there is anything you can be certain of in life, is that it will inevitably change in some way. With this fact in mind, why is it so hard for people to embrace the idea? I find it entertaining to see the mini freak outs that occur in individual lives on a day to day basis.

Example one: The “Facebook Fiasco”. If Facebook decides to change in the most insignificant way, the borders on pictures have changed or you now have to click an extra link to get to you bumper stickers page, people will flip the fuck out. From status reactions you would assume that Anderson Cooper had just announced the second coming of Jesus in which he confirmed that Scientology is in fact correct. Is change so difficult to deal with that it causes us to start collecting caned goods for the fallout?

Example Two: Weather Wing nuts. We live on a planet that is scientifically in a constant state of change. We used to have pangea and now we have four different oceans with seven different continents. We used to have giant ice caps and glaciers, now we have puddles. The earth is always changing, that’s just what it does. So why do people freak out when the weather is not same from day to day? If there is snow and sunshine in the same weak, no church will have an empty pew. Man, woman, and child will be on their hands and knees praying for a safe transition during Armageddon. No need to worry ladies and gentlemen, that’s what the weather does, it changes. Something as simple as a change in temperature also seems to freak people out, hmmm.


So why is it that humans are naturally afraid of change? It is rather simple actually, as a species we are control freaks. We want to be able to manipulate and drive every aspect of our lives. It is just a safer approach to life. If we control it all then we never have to worry about the unexpected. The unexpected can bring danger and pain. But as we sit back in our “Man in the Bubble”, John Travolta, replica domes the world is going to change without us. Just think about all the really cool shit we are to miss out on. Who knows maybe taking a leap of faith and not being afraid of change might actually lead to living.

-Aaron G.