A Guide to Surviving Snowfall.

18 12 2009

Here in Virginia, a state of emergency has been declared in advance of the massive amount of snow we’re allegedly going to be seeing within nine hours.  Snowfall in Richmond is expected to reach anywhere from 3 to 5 inches.

Yes, Virginia, it’s time to panic.  Civilization as we know it is going to devolve back to the days of the cave-people.  We’ll be fighting wooly mammoths in no time.

Fortunately, having lived in Virginia all my life, I have made a guide to surviving the catastrophe known as a moderate snowfall.  Join me, won’t you?


This is when you venture out into society in an attempt to scavenge all you can for the two or three days you will be buried under snow.  The main places to visit are Home Depot/Lowes, and your choice of grocery store.  Be sure to stock up on toilet paper, milk, bread, eggs, ammunition, and multiple shovels (one to dig yourself out of snowbanks, the others for melee combat).  Also, be sure to purchase at least one red bandana.  The bandana, as decreed in the Great Blizzard of 1993, is a symbol to all that you have no intention of raiding their supplies.


Here is where paths diverge slightly.  For those living in single-family homes, especially on cul-de-sacs, be sure to get a jump on slippery roads by pre-salting your driveway, steps, and sidewalk.  If any deer attempt to eat the salt, shoot them and strip off the pelts.  Once the world economy collapses due to the moderate snowfall, deer meat and pelts will be considered the newest and best form of currency.

For those living in apartment buildings or condos, be sure that your doors and windows have multiple locks, and that they are in use.  Cabin fever sets in quickly for our ADD-addled lifestyles, and you don’t want some guy coming into your apartment at 3am, wondering if you’d like to engage in a game of Strip Risk.




Stay inside, but near a window with your photographing tool of choice, be it a camera, camera-phone, or iPhone.  Those with internet capabilities on their phones, send a photo and an update every five minutes.  Acceptable captions for photos include: “It’s so pretty!” “I’m glad we closed early!” “I don’t want to be out in that!” or any variation thereof.  Those who are more of the business sense would be inclined to take photos of any surplus supplies they have, accompanied with a caption detailing how much you are selling each supply for.  The ground rules for resale are as follows:

Toilet Paper: Half deer pelt per roll.

Bread: Full deer pelt per loaf.

Milk: Full deer pelt, along with 5 pounds of deer meat.  If not able to recompense with deer, the rights to the first-born offspring is an acceptable substitute.

Shovels: Do NOT sell your shovels.  You don’t want to further arm your neighbors-soon-to-be-enemies-of-your-territory.


Depending on depth of snow, you may wish to venture outside.  This brings one of two advantages: 1) You will be one of the first out there and able to declare yourself the new King, and 2) You can see which of your neighbors is not fully prepared, and exploit it to your advantage.


Dispose of any spoiled deer meat.  Keep the pelts.  Go around to your neighbors and apologize for placing a crusade against their household.  If necessary, return the first-born offspring.

Have a good laugh, and forget about everything you just read until next year, when the same hysteria resumes.



The Carb Factory – An Assembly of the Real Reason for Dining Out

10 12 2009

As a highly regarded analyst in this fine country, I have decided to take a look at the restaurants of our nation. In doing this, I have noticed a trend and look to capitalize on my findings. When trying to determine where to dine out, what is the most common deciding factor? The answer: bread.

As a forward thinker, I have been working on a business proposal to bring all the great breads of “Restaurant Nation” under one roof – The Carb Factory. The Carb Factory will feature all of the best of the best in bread. The reason for going to Olive Garden: garlic bread. That’s in. Red Lobster is famous for their Cheddar Bay Biscuits. They’re on the menu. The wheat bread from The Cheesecake Factory… it’s a menu item. You’d like the baguette from Panera? Oh, I believe you mean a #4. KFC’s biscuits, Little Caesars Crazy Bread, BK’s Croissan’wich croissant – all a part of The Carb Factory! We wanted to take it a step further than just bringing all of your favorite breads under one roof. Brought straight from Hooters is, our soon to be famous, Wing Balls! It’s all of that outstanding breading from the world’s best wings, taken off the chicken and rolled into a perfect orb, then dipped in your choice of wing sauce. Bon appetite! To complete the whole meal, make sure you order something to quench your thirst. If you haven’t guessed it yet, the only thing served at The Carb Factory is beer! It’s like delicious bread in a liquid form, so drink up everyone! I’m so excited! I can’t wait to read the stellar reviews Zagat will have for this brand new place of familiar taste!

I know that many Americans go on no carb diets, but when they fall off the wagon (as the great taste of carbs cause many to eventually do) they’ll need a place to go, too. The Carb Factory puts a lot of emphasis on the family and community atmosphere which makes this a great place to go. If you’re going to fall off the wagon, why not fall into the arms of those who love you? Well, they’re all down at The Carb Factory, so come on by! What feels more like a family meal than a bowl of oven-baked White House Rolls with a side of gravy or marinara? If you are one who is very committed to a health-conscious diet and just won’t budge, then you may order off our salad menu which features our variety of crouton bowls accompanied with your favorite dressing. After treating yourself with a healthy choice crouton bowl, you’ll surely feel you’ve earned a chance to indulge in a guilty pleasure, so order some of our Pokey Sticks that come straight from Gumby’s in Blacksburg! These things are so good that they could break up a marriage! Luckily, you won’t have to put your relationship on the line because The Carb Factory is an outstanding date destination, so there’s no need to cancel a date to eat them. Make a reservation instead!

I hope you all have the chance to drop in and partake in my vision. I’m just a simple man with a goal to create a menu that offers you all the very best. Believe me, there’s something in here for everyone to enjoy, so next time you have to think about where to dine out next, I think you’ll find the choice is clear. The Carb Factory – Wheat love to see you!