I try to stay optimistic. I really do. There’s a lot of good in this world, I promise. There are still people out there who believe in the flourishing of the human species, and that kindness is a currency that can be freely spent.
This instance, however, is not one of them.
How in the world do you find it correct to send a person to a decoy prom, solely because you do not agree with her lifestyle?
I am going to deal with this the only way I know how: Through humor.
Thus, I present to you “The Greatest PTA Meeting Ever!”
It’s 9 pm on a Wednesday. Teachers, administrators students, parents have all gathered in Altoona High’s gymnasium. There are multiple dialogues going on throughout the crowd. Laughter comes from the rear seats. Finally, Principal Wallace steps up to the podium.
Wallace: (Bangs gavel) If I could have everyone’s attention.
The crowd goes silent, all eyes on Wallace.
Wallace: (Clears throat) Now, I’ve called this meeting because it seems that we have a…uh…situation.
Mama Thomas stands up in the back
Mama T: A situation?! This is a crisis! This is the worst thing to hit upon our little town in the time we’ve lived here!
Members of the crowd murmur in agreement
Wallace: Settle down, now. I realize that you are all upset that we have a…lesbian in this high school.
Student 1: And she wants to attend prom with her girlfriend! What’s up with that?!
Jock: Hey man, could be hot. Two chicks at the same time, know what I’m sayin’?!
Jock gathers high-fives from the other jocks.
Mama T: I don’t want my precious little girl having to see that preposterous affront to the big man upstairs, especially on what’s gonna be one of the best nights of her life!
Parents all murmur in agreement
Wallace: I understand your worries, Mrs. Thomas, and don’t worry, I’ve come up with a great idea. We want you normal students to have a prom. But we also have to set something up for the…lesser people. Which is why I’ve come up with this…
Wallace pulls out a DVD of the Mel Brooks’ classic Blazing Saddles. The audience looks at the DVD, then back at Wallace, confused.
Wallace: For those of you not familiar with this movie, there’s a scene toward the end where the evil guy is threatening to come in and destroy the small town that is under the protection of…what was that black fella’s name…
Voice from the back: Cleavon Little!
Wallace: Ah, yes! Thank you Jim. Cleavon Little. Anyway, he gets all the townspeople together, and they create a replica of the town. Not a full-fledged replica, just the storefronts and a few wooden cut-outs of the townfolks. Then, Little and the town all just move to another place, and let the bad guys go and find that decoy town.
Mama T: So what you’re saying is we need to make a decoy prom, so that immoral shrew can go be with her other immoral shrew, and the normal kids can have a fun, gay-free prom?
Wallace: Exactly! And we’ll send a couple of the special-ed kids to it, too. That way all those photos you students will be taking to put on your Facebooks or MySpaces will be gay and mentally-handicapped free!
Cheers erupt from audience. Multiple high-fives are given. Tears pour from the eyes of the morally conscious parents, clutching their innocent sons and daughters to the bosom.
Jock: You the man, Principal Wallace!
Mama T: You are so moral! But where are we going to get the funds for a decoy prom?
Wallace: We’ll take it out of the budget for the theater department!
Jock: Yeah! Because everyone in theater is gay! That’ll show them!
Mama T: My baby’s prom is saved! Thank you, Principal Wallace!
Wallace: My pleasure. And if I may paraphrase from this movie (Gesturing toward Blazing Saddles) “Lesbians? We won’t allow no stinkin’ lesbians!”
Way to display a love for all people, Mississippi high school. Good job. Really.
Thanks to Jezebel.com for posting this story.