The “New Moon” Experiment.

7 12 2009

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a plague in this country.  A horrible, horrible thing that is prevalent in the culture of our youth.

Poor  education standards? Nope.

Overbearing sense of entitlement?  Yeah, a little.

Peanut allergy?  Yes, but not what I’m not talking about.

What am I talking about?

Twilight.  Or Twilight.  Or I’m a Vampire, But You Smell Good and I Want to be Your Boyfriend.

Yes, I know right now you’re saying, “Zach, you’re a little late to the party, aren’t you?  We all know that Twilight is the downfall of civilization!”

Need I remind you, reader, that three years ago we were saying the same thing about Hannah Montana.  Here we are, in 2009, and the only downfall has been in Miley Cyrus’ relevance.

So, in order to verify my suspicions that Twilight would indeed bring the end to this sweet, sweet world we live in, I had to confront the juggernaut.

I had to see New Moon.

It was a Friday afternoon.  This past Friday, actually.  It was the early afternoon, guaranteeing the countless “Twi-hards” would still be in school.  I debated whether to see the movie then or not.  Wanting to keep an objective mind, and not be influenced the numerous giggles/screams of fans, I decided to go forth.

I paid for my ticket, and sat in the theater.  Texting Aaron and Thomas, I informed them of my journey.  Aaron’s response was direct and expected: “Nooooooooo!”

I know, Aaron.  I feared for my sanity as well.  But I had to…needed to see this movie.  I hoped that it would open my mind.  Allow me to at least partially appreciate what Stephenie Meyer had created.  If the movie did that, then perhaps I wouldn’t find myself fighting down the urge to punch the nearest wall when some person began to preach about how “Twilight had saved my life!” or “Edward is so freaking hot!”

After viewing the film, I can safely say that the urge remains.

Edward’s hot, hmm?  I disagree.  One of the main plot points in the movie is Edward leaving Bella after his brother (or cousin, or uncle, whatever) attempts to bite Bella because she gets a paper cut.  The result of our dear Eddie leaving includes:

-Bella sitting in her room for three months, despondent.

-Bella experiencing night terrors on what seemed to be a nightly basis.

-Bella engaging in dangerous activities, in hopes that the adrenaline rush and risk of death will once again cause Eddie to appear in a mirage.  This mirage would then inform her of the danger of her reckless behavior.


And then there’s Jacob, who is a werewolf.  But not really a werewolf, as he doesn’t need a full moon to transform.  All he needs is a sweet tattoo, short hair, and a reason to get angry.


Now, here’s the fun thing.  With all this hoopla, masses of girls have come to the front, declaring their loyalty to either Team Edward or Team Jacob.  Girls, declaring their love for a vampire, or a werewolf.  While it would be unfair to draw the comparisons from the classic (read: better) literature involving these two creatures of the night, I’ll go ahead and use Meyer’s versions of vampire and werewolf, and see which side I’d fall under:


In order to truly be together forever, you have to get bitten by a vampire.  Last I checked, being bitten so hard that it draws blood has not been a fun thing.  Then there’s the living forever portion…What if you get tired of the guy?  “Oh, what’s that?  You forgot our anniversary because you have no soul?  Like I haven’t heard that before, buddy.”  And of course, the constant lust for blood.  Also, I kind of enjoy going out in sunlight without sparkling.  I imagine it would get annoying.


Far as I can tell, there are no female werewolves.  So, I guess I’d just have to sit at home, waiting for my wolf-guy to get back from doing whatever it is he does with his pals.  What do they do for those hours they’re together?  He doesn’t tell me.  Maybe they fish?  Maybe they trade ideas for ab workouts?  I don’t know.  Oh, and better not get him angry!  Because when he’s angry, he transforms into wolf form and who knows what’ll happen?

Man, I don’t know ladies, they’re both charming propositions: One guy who’s morose and unable to watch CSI without getting turned on, and another guy who if you anger will tear your face apart.  Decisions, decisions…

Let’s wrap this up.  What did I learn from watching New Moon?

-If you make something dumb, populate it with beautiful people, and slap a little misogyny in there, you got a hit.

-Werewolves and vampires have been romanticized to the point of no return.

-Peter Facinelli has found work, and I’m happy for him.

Would I watch a Twilight movie again?

Sure.  Just let me finish driving my head into this concrete.





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