An open letter to Mark Sanford

24 06 2009

Dear Governor Sanford,

You, sir, are a pimp.  A hustla.  Nay, a modern-day Casanova!

Going down to Argentina to spend some time with your honey on the side during Father’s Day weekend, leaving your wife and four kids back in South Carolina?  Nice.  Although I bet you missed out on a good dinner and a couple of gifts celebrating you being Dad of the Year.  On second thought, maybe that didn’t happen.

Anyway, going back to your international rendevous.  Apparently your wife has known about it for five months, and you still kept on keeping on?  That’s real pimp, man.  I’m sure you invoked that “It’s not cheating if I’m in a different time zone” clause.  And wouldn’t you know it, it worked!  Like I said, that’s real pimp.

One quick question, though: In your speech to the public after you were called out on your infidelity, you spent some time detailing how much you enjoyed the Appalachian mountain range.  Obviously this little segment was linked to the story that was given to the media in the first place, about you going on a nature hike.  Here’s the question, though: Why bother talking about it when you didn’t really go hiking?  That’s like me talking about hooking up with Heidi Klum.  Yeah, I enjoy her, but I’m not going to go around telling people we hooked up (Because, unlike you, I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and wouldn’t want to rend Klum’s union to Seal, that talented, lucky man).

Now that I think about it, Governer (Or as a Cockney would say it, Guv’na), you really aren’t that much of a pimp at all.  As you said in your speech, bottom line is you let down a lot of people.  At least you’re self-aware enough to realize that.

Here’s my bottom line: You’re 49 years old.  I’m going to chalk this up to you having a midlife crisis and acting out in an irresponsible manner, without any thought to the harm you could cause to other people.  Go make things right with your wife and kids.

Then, once all that’s done, go back to the Bible-thumping ways you love.  After all, you wouldn’t want the opposition to gay marriage lose one of its major players, would you?

I thought not.


PS: I know this is the second open letter in a row.  I think I might make it a series.  Agree?  Disagree?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments section!




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