For those of you in the world who are not aware of this undercover evil, Ukrops is a Richmond, Va based grocery store. This particular grocery store is dedicated to its conservative values; which include being closed on Sundays and not selling beer. On the surface this establishment seems like your perfect white fence, leave it to beaver store. Bright colors, always fresh food in the deli, and for some reason potted plants everywhere. This lay out makes it a breading ground for the elderly. They come out from under their afternoon crossword adventures to get the freshest french bread available this side of the Mississippi. Here in is the dilemma! Old people are attracted to Ukrops like Matlock reruns wrapped in coupons and flower patterned blouses, they can’t stay away. Ukrops knows this fun fact, and in a disgusting manner uses it to carry out its sinister agenda!
If you have ever been to a Ukrops you might have seen an elderly lady walking to her car followed closely by a pre-pubecent boy carrying a cart of groceries. To the untrained eye this would look like a sweet act of chivalry. Ukrops has fooled us once again! It looks like another reason why Ukrops is the perfect grocery store, but it is in fact a conspiracy to weaken our elderly population. By offering to carry an old ladies groceries, Ukrops is taking away her daily exercise. Excercise that may keep her alive a few years longer so she can see her grandson get married! Slowly, Ukrops is chizzling away at the upper body strength of those we love the most. Before you know if Grandma won’t be able to lift a pin to sign your graduation check. OH THE HUMANITY!
You might be asking yourself why such a straight laced establishment would do such evil. That is easy, Ukrops is aligned with all of the major nursing homes in Virginia. They carry the groceries making the elderly weak and in greater need of assisted living. Before you know it they are shipped off to the nearest retirement home, and Ukrops is laughing all the way to the bank.
So please, if you see an elderly lady being escorted to her car, do our country a service and take those groceries and place them in her varicose vain hands. You might just save a life….for a few years at least.