“Office Zombie” is by far the worst fate of any man, woman, or child. It is a metamorphosis that slowly develops overtime without any conscience knowledge of its occurrence. Once you finally realize you have become a member of the memo legion it is too late. It already has a firm grip on your soul and your social behavior. “Office Zombies” dwell around us in plain sight and we choose to ignore this pandemic! Maybe we are in denial of the almost certain fate that awaits our friends and family. Or perhaps we have already been turned into these email anticipating creatures of 9-5 and we don’t even know it! I am afraid that while doing my best to avoid the bite of the florescent light beast I might have become infected!
All day I have been frantically running the various categories of Office Zombies through my head to determine if I have indeed become one of them. Am I a “Bagel Guy”? A specifically fierce zombie that constantly is bringing Panera bagels to the office in hopes of good Karma, and a possible conversation starter with the office hottie. A bite from this zombie will lead to almost certain self loathing and empty pockets. I have not become this zombie, thank god. I am way too selfish to bring others morning treats. Thank God, that was a close one.
Could I be a “Jester”? Another very dangerous species of Zombie that will always participate in the office’s “special” day. You can spot this Zombie a mile away wearing an American Flag t-shirt on the 4th of July. The company emails said to wear green because it was Saint Patrick’s Day, but this Zombie takes it upon itself to dress like a fucking Leprechaun. Close call again but this isn’t me either; the only time I am glad I don’t own novelty clothing.
Oh dear God, maybe I am a “Martha Stuart Zombie”!! This undead, wannabe designer takes out its aggression on their cube, or even worse the office kitchen. Never get too close to the dark, decorated habitat of this bedazzled creature. Its cube has more decorations than Liberace’s bay room. A wooden, hand painted, craft sign which reads “Mondays are Dumb Days” means almost certain death. Even worse this Zombie has an arsenal of Pampered Chief tuber ware specific to the day of the week. AHHHHHHHH!!!!! I have definitely dodged the bullet on this one. My cube is witty decoration free, and I currently do not have an obscure salad dressing like Camel Spit Vinaigrette waiting for me in the fridge.
Then it hit me like a ton of Sparco staplers when getting my morning coffee to ensure that I was alert in case of any zombie attacks. Just when I thought I was in the clear my whole world came crashing down. I couldn’t breath; my coffee mug fell from my hands shattering on the floor throwing coffee in all directions. I could hear the Office Zombies moaning as if accepting me into their ranks. I can’t believe I missed it. It was so obvious; it was there the entire time. I was a “Novelty Coffee Mug Zombie”!!!!!! As I was on all fours catching my breath and wiping a combination of droll and vomit from my lips I could still read the artifact that sealed my fate. “If you don’t do anything, you’ll never make mistakes”. The shattered picture of Homer Simpson that accompanied this taunting quote seemed to laugh in my face. It was all over; everything I tried so hard to avoid suddenly consumed my soul.
I can’t fight it anymore……….getting hard to breathe……need more paper clips……………