MashUp: Richmond Comedy Coalition

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Carl and Sarah are walking through a forest.

Carl:…And then I thought my status update was hi-lar-ious, so I went ahead and liked it myself.  You know,  so people would see how clever I was.

Sarah: Yeah, I saw that.  Oh, did you see Lenny’s link to that video of that dude singing karaoke in his bedroom?

Carl: That was so great!  I’m going to do the same thing, except I’ll sing pop songs instead that Linkin Park shi…Ow!

Carl collapses to his knee, grabbing above his ankle.

Sarah: What is it?!

Carl: Something bit me!

Sarah: Let me take a look…oh yeah, it looks like a snake bit you.

Carl: What if it was poisonous?!

Sarah: Don’t worry, I’ll look up how to get the venom out.  Just give me a second…

Carl waits, sitting on the ground, clutching his ankle, grimacing in pain.  Sarah gets on her iPhone and quickly begins typing.  After 15 seconds, she’s still typing.  30, still typing.

Carl:…Well?!

Sarah: What?  Oh, my bad!  I wanted to let everyone know what had happened, so I logged onto Facebook real quick.

She looks at her phone while Carl slowly begins slumping down.

Sarah: Ooh, and people have already started to comment! Hehe, Jerry said that you’re finally one with nature.  That’s so funny.

Carl continues his descent into the dark void known as death.  Sarah is oblivious.

Sarah: Hey, I know!  Let me get a quick pic of the bite, so everyone can see!

Carl’s unresponsive, laying flat on the floor.  Sarah picks up his bitten leg, holding it up to take a photo with her iPhone.

Sarah: There we go.  Now just upload it to twitpic.  Let’s see, what’s a good tweet for this…Got it!  “Carl bit by snake…or angry forest nymphs?!”, asterisk, “conspiracy”.  Excellent…

Sarah looks down at Carl, who by now is dead.  Completely dead.  Gone.  Kaput.  Sarah gives the body a quick jab with her foot, then shrugs.  She starts walking, her focus on the screen of the iPhone.

Sarah: (Typing) Carl’s dead…F…M…L…(She continues walking)What, Lenny, you liked that?!…Oh, your comment is explaining that the “Like” is supposed be a “Dislike”, I get it!…

The screen fades to black as a voiceover begins.

VO: The iPhone 3.0.  We can’t bring your friend back to life, but you sure as hell can tweet about his untimely demise.

ZA

Many Facebook users are victim of ongoing Mafia war

Disassociated Press, 9-26-2009

Zach Arnold

Ryan Rezinski woke up this morning to find his Facebook profile in shambles.

“Someone came in overnight  and just ransacked the whole thing.  My favorite quotes, wall posts, photo albums…all of it’s been destroyed.” Rezinski said, fighting back tears.  “I don’t understand…I didn’t do anything wrong.”

This recent attack is not an isolated incident.  Over the past year, there have been multiple reports of Facebook users’ profiles being ransacked, ultimately leaving the familiar blue & white page a shell of what it once was.

The reason behind this epidemic?  One needs to look no further than the large scale Mafia war that has broken out across the site.

At last count, over 24.5 million people on Facebook have joined the ranks of the Mafia.  One of the requirements in gaining acceptance, and in turn more power, is recruiting your friends to become part of the Mafia.  Many do accept the offer, but for the few that do not, the consequences are heartbreaking.

Lynne Wapnerson is one of those people who dealt with the consequences.  “It was 6 pm on a Friday, and I got a message saying my friend Rita was offering me a chance to join her gang.  Now, I’m just on Facebook to find old friends, maybe play some FarmVille in my free time.  I never wanted to be part of a Mafia.  So I clicked the ignore button and thought that was the end of it.  Well, on Sunday, I got another request from Rita to join her gang.  Except this time, she sent me a message telling me that she ‘couldn’t be responsible for what happened’ if I didn’t join up.  I thought she was joking, and I clicked the ignore button again.  Monday morning, I go to my profile, and everything is ruined.”  Lynne’s eyes go misty as she stares straight ahead.  “And my farm?  On FarmVille?  It was razed, completely demolished.  All my crops, my cattle, everything was either dead or dying.”

Since that incident, Lynne has closed that profile and created a new one under an alias, created with the help of a government agency.

“We are taking these Mafia wars very seriously.” A spokesperson for the FBI commented.  “Ordinary people who desire to live their lives in peace should not have to deal with these aggressors.  We do have people on the inside, and are hoping to bring down the organizations within 3 years.”

Until then, though, how many more innocent people must lose their profiles?  For some, that blue & white page is their livelihood.  Notes replacing diaries; Favorite Quotes replacing the desire to have “Of all the things I lost, I miss my mind the most” tattooed across their shoulders; Friend Requests replacing…friend requests.  “Most people just want everyone to know their opinion about Fall Out Boy,” The FBI spokesperson said, “And until we bring down those Mafia organizations to cease the wars, the FBI encourages people to continue posting and updating their profiles.  There is an end in sight.”

If you or anyone you know has either been involved in the Mafia war, or has been attempted to be recruited, please contact the nearest FBI agency in your area.

ZA

Welcome to Atlanta. Bienvenido a Atlanta.

The BEES (well, 3/4 of them) got in Aaron’s Blazer, no not the jacket, and drove a gazillion hours, or 7, to Atlanta, Georgia for the 6th Annual Black Box Improv Festival.

Here is a short 3-4 minute video recapping adventures.

Enjoy.

-MB.

Obama challenges kids to take responsibility, causes riot.

Disassociated Press

9/8/2009

Zach Arnold

Earlier today, President Barack Obama presented a speech that was available to every school in the country.  Already rocked by scandal, Obama maintained his aggressive stature, speaking volumes of propaganda, most of it containing the message to students to fulfill their responsibilities.

After hearing this message, several students decided to take this propagandist rumbling to heart.  Many of them were later seen at the library; some could be found walking through the rows of books, opening their minds to subjects that they previously dismissed as unworthy of their time.  Others were on the library’s computers, visiting such websites as the official one for the White House, some even going so far as to visit the official site for their state.

“I honestly had no idea that Obama used to be a junior Senator for Illinois,” Tom Popiate, a senior at Yancy High School in Turpin, Alabama said, “Seriously, the only Senate I’ve ever really known about was the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars movies.”

Several of the opponents to Obama’s speech went on the offensive afterward, incensed at their children taking an initiative to improve their lives.

“I’m physically ill that my daughter is now looking into colleges,” Franklin Johansonsmith of Ering, Michigan ranted, “For the past 16 years, all that me and her mother have told her is that a woman’s place is at home, taking care of the two children she’s supposed to have, and now here we have No-bama telling her she should challenge herself?  She doesn’t need that stress!”

Many of the opponents to the President’s speech have come together in hopes of creating a counter-presentation, due to be presented in the following two weeks.

“I was telling my daughter about the plan for our speech,” Johansonsmith says, his hand running nervously through his hair, “And she replies with, ‘Oh, just like the minority leader in the Congress makes the address after the State of the Union.’ Hearing her say that made me shudder.”

Would the students be as willing to listen to a counter-argument in which they are encouraged to continue being apathetic?  “Sure, I’d listen,” Popiate says, “But I don’t think I’d go back to the way I was.  You hear about this whole ‘Electoral College’ thing?  Crazy.”

ZA

LIVE OLD NUDES…not really.

Hello you beautiful people.

It’s been a hot minute since the blog’s been updated.  A week and a day, to be exact.  It’s a good thing that no one’s being paid to write on here, otherwise they’d have been fired for lack of production.

That’s not to say that we haven’t had people visiting the site, however.  Indeed, on any given day, we have had between 5 and 8 views.  From a statistical standpoint, we’re getting more hits than an anti-Spice Girls site that hasn’t been updated since 1999.  I’ll take those numbers.

The way people are coming to the site troubles me a little.  For those of you who have not discovered the joy of WordPress yet, each blog is given a “dashboard”, where the creator/handler of the site can analyze how many individuals visit the site, and what search terms are used to bring people to the site.

At the beginning, we had the standard search-term fare.  Lady Gaga, Mark Sanford, Sarah Palin, et cetera.

However, ever since Aaron wrote his entry about the epidemic of old men being naked in locker rooms, the search terms have been getting…well…weird.

The past couple of weeks, the search terms that have brought people to our site have included “naked old men”, “nude public shower room”, and my personal favorite, “elderly nude”.

I really have no idea what the people who typed in those terms were looking for.  Well, I have an idea, but I don’t want to think about it more than I have to.  All I have to say, though, is if you are one of those people who typed in one of those terms, hoping to find material of a more…adult nature…sorry.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic that you decided to click on the link to our humble little site, but if you were coming on here in hopes of octogenarian intimacy, sorry to disappoint.

Being the dedicated researcher I am, I decided to put those search terms in myself, and see where our site showed up.  It both bothered and pleased me that the site didn’t show up in the first five pages.  Pleasing because I’m fairly sure the last thing we want is to be known as a hub for love, elderly style.  Bothering, because this means that whoever typed those terms in was clicking far into the search queue.  I guess, perhaps, they had grown tired of the mainstream stuff, and were looking for something a little rawer.

In conclusion, keep on typing those wacky search terms, true believers.  They brighten my day.  Mostly.

ZA

An Open E-Mail to Congress. Re: Fat Tax.

Dear Congress,

On my way to work Wednesday morning, I was introduced to yet another new kind of tax that you were kicking the idea of levying against people: The Fat Tax.  Also known as the Twinkie Tax, and et cetera.

For those representatives in the Senate and House who have either been absent or haven’t cared, the Fat Tax is simple: People whose Body Mass Index or Body Fat Percentage is higher than what the standard is, would be taxed according to how far above the standard they were.  An example would be if someone whose standard weight should be 180 lbs, but weigh 200 lbs, would be taxed relative to the excess amount of weight.

And for those of you who still don’t understand what I’m talking about, I’ll make it even simpler: Tax the fatties.  Tax ‘em all!

Now being the large guy I am…Ah, hell, let’s skip with the pleasantries, yeah?  Being the fatty I am, one would think that I would be up in arms, rallying my overweight compatriots to action!  We’re mad as hell and we won’t take it anymore!  Circle up the Rascal scooters, we’re staging an eat-in!

Predictable, yeah?  But oh no, Congress.  I’m quite on the other side of the argument.  In fact, I am all for this.  Hell, I’m ready to be the most ardent supporter!

My only qualm is that this does not go far enough in eliminating the plague that is Obesity which taints our public beaches and pools, our hip nightclubs, our amusement park rides.  Therefore, I have prepared a few ideas that I want you to take to those gloriously healthy hearts you all have.

1) Propaganda: No good movement ever went anywhere without some awesome propaganda, right?  You need to make posters, t-shirts, coffee mugs, anything that you can get the message that being a fatty is bad!  Using my rudimentary artistic talents, I have taken to MSPaint, using myself as an example of those horrible fat fat fatties you want out of your lives:

Fat and doesn't own Photoshop? I'm useless!

Now like I said, this is completely rudimentary.  But I’m sure you could have one of those fit, fabulous interns spiffy something up for you in a hurry.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, dear friends.  I can see it now…You have a photo of a beautiful woman, looking out seductively, as if she is beckoning you to join her in the vast sea that is her love.  But, what’s this?…Under her photo you can have something that reads: “Want this in real life?  Eat a carrot, Fattie!”

It’s imperative that you use an epithet for a large person every chance you get in this propaganda.  Other suggested insults include Tubby, Lard-ass, Fat-Neck, Butterball, The Crisco(TM) Kid, and Fatty McFatterson.

2) Discrimination: Let’s face it, us fat people bring down the scene wherever we are.  No one likes to be near us.  We sweat profusely, occasionally have trouble breathing, and more than likely eat all the dip while leaving too many chips.  So what better way to convince us that we are loathsome, horrible people than by alienating us even more?  Have two classrooms, one for normal students, another for “sizable” students.  Don’t worry, I know you gotta be politically correct in most schools these days, so I’ll let the omission of the word “Fat” slip by.  And the reason I’ll let it slip by is there will be no way whatsoever those kids in the “sizable” class will not realize that they have been the bane of normal-sized students’ days forever!  Yes, the chairs will be reinforced with titanium!  The corners of the desks and tables will be padded, so as to avoid the bulbous bodies from scraping their huge stomachs!  At the cafeteria, the shelves containing the junk food will be nailed high, so that the only way to get to them is to use a ladder that can carry no more than 250 lbs!  It’s brilliant!

And finally, Number 3) Relocation: Just relocate the fatties.  Get rid of ‘em all.  Put ‘em in, I don’t know, North Dakota.  Who lives in North Dakota, anyway?  I know the answer after we move the fatties to North Dakota.  The fatties will live in North Dakota, far away from any beaches, landmarks, or tourist attractions.  And there’ll be no worry of a revolution.  Sure, the fatties will fight against it a little bit, but they’ll tire out quickly and probably just take an unintentional nap in the chair of their Rascal scooter.

I know number 3 sounds harsh, but hey, relocating a large group of people into an area that is not their own has worked out great for the USA before, right?  I mean, it worked great when we moved those Native Americans into Oklahoma.  It was especially efficient during World War II, when we had those camps for people of Japanese descent?  Yeah, they both went smoother than Land o’ Lakes on a piece of toast.

Uh-Oh, looks like this Fatty is getting hungry again!  Ha ha, ain’t that always the case?

Well, I guess I better get going.  You know, so much self-loathing to do, so little time!  Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with this tax, and I hope you seriously consider some of my suggestions.  If you need to contact me, by all means do so!  After all, you already have my information.  Just don’t come by at night, otherwise my sleep apnea might just drive you crazy!

With love (Ugh, fat love, the worst kind!),

ZA

Barney Frank: Only cool guy with a lisp!

Please take a second to watch a clip from a townhall meeting where Barney Frank (Mass. Democratic representative) was discussing the democrat’s plan for health care:

Oh snap extreme right wing nut job, in yo face! No one has used the comeback “What planet are you from” since the first season of Saved By the Bell. Sure it wasn’t very original but chances are she never watched Saved By the Bell because she thought the close nit friends of Bayside High were to similar to Communist Russia. You can tell by the look on her face that the insult really cut deep. At this point in the comeback she is really thinking, “Man it was dumb to put a Hitler stash on Obama, now people think I’m an alien!”

The final blow of the 1-2 combo comes with this statement, “Arguing with you would be like arguing with a dining room table, I have no interest in doing it.” If this was a free style battle, this is where Barney would drop the mic right in front of her face. At this point Miss Coo Coo for conservative puffs has dropped a load in her Bill O’ Reilly under-roos.

Reasons why this chick is two full raisin scoops behind:

1.) She thinks Obama is Hitler. Ummm Hello everyone knows that Obama can’t grow a mustache!

2.) She sees health care reform in America as a Nazi policy. You know, your actually right on this one. The Nazis definitely were concerned about the health and well being of its people. Wait…….What??……they killed 6 million Jews……uhhhhhhhh………..moving on!

3). This lady is making conservatives who actually have an honest fear about our government look horrible. A lot of people have legitimate arguments against the policies of President Obama, but they are over shadowed by morans who are too concerned with “making a point”, than actually thinking about what they are saying.

Why Barney Frank kicks ass!!

1.) Only dude with a lisp I actually enjoy listening to. If God has a lisp then he will sound just like Barney Frank. I would love to see him speak……just not from the front row.

2) The only other Barney I have ever heard of, is the big purple one. You automatically have to be a bad ass if your a homosexual with the name Barney. If I saw Barney Frank in the street I would curl into a little ball and suck my thumb!

3) Barney realizes that because our great country allows freedom of speech you will get people like this. People who just want to use their freedom to use it, instead of using it with a purpose. Instead of getting worked up over such a ridiculous accusation, Barney simply shakes his head and points out to the lady that she is going to get no where.

Side note for impressive mustache photoshoper

Thank you for expressing your beliefs in such an open public forum. Not many people are brave enough to step up and say what they really feel, i commend you for that. We have freedom of speech for a reason, so please use it as much as humanly possible. But always remember one thing, You look dumb as shit!

-AG

Hello, World. Meet Awesomeness.

You can just hear the speed metal playing in the background, can't you?

I owe an apology to you people.

I promised you three parts to the “Hollywood Saves the Environment” series.  Stretch Armstrong tickled your funny bone.  Asteroids played havoc with your digestive tract.

But Viewmaster?

I got stuck.  A writer’s block, if you would.  The more and more I thought about it, the more I became frustrated with the notion.

My original idea was to spoof the horror genre, a la Final Destination, but then I realized that it had already been done by none other than…Final Destination.

So, I’m sorry.  If inspiration strikes, and the ideas flow, then I will certainly complete the series.  For now, however, it remains unfinished.

That does not mean I don’t have something for you lovely people, however.  Indeed, I have decided to share with you the plot outline for what is possibly the greatest movie yet to be made.  This movie will be adored by millions.  It will never win an award (ever), but will touch America’s heart with its combination of action, drama, and thinly veiled stereotyping.  Kind of like Transformers.

And now, I present to you: Superman/Jesus vs. Godzilla/King Kong: No Inheritance for the Meek.

King Kong goes back in time and kills John the Baptist.  Craving justice, Jesus follows him into the time portal that was opened.

Superman fights Godzilla.  No reason for it yet, but just the mental image is badass.  Also, we have Superman going to the depths of the sea to retrieve the Titanic, using it merely as a projectile against Godzilla.  Cameo by James Cameron cursing Superman for destroying the ship that made him the man he is.  Cameron will get cut off mid-sentence by Godzilla spraying him with Flame-Breath.

Godzilla and King Kong team up, so Jesus and Superman are forced to join together to stop the menace.  Obviously, it’d have to be set up for Jesus and Superman to have a dislike for each other, if they’re being forced to team up.  Maybe Jesus stops Superman from catching Lex Luthor.  OR, it’s revealed that Lois’ last name is originally Lankowitz, and Superman (newly converted) refuses to acknowledge Jesus as the Son of God.  Continuity be damned.

The Richmond Kazoo Orchestra plays our national anthem at the Richmond International Speedway, complete with shots of people crying.

A chorus of orphans should be added to sing with the orchestra, only to be stamped into the ground when King Kong and Godzilla bust through the Speedway, looking for the State Fair.  Upon revelation that the Fair has moved, even more carnage ensues.

Somewhere in the second act, Jesus and Superman have a falling out, due to Jesus buying a cheeseburger, despite Supes’ pleas to keep it kosher.  The argument ends with Jesus leaving.

Godzilla reveals himself to actually be Ronald Reagan. It’s also revealed he’s in cahoots with Sarah Palin to be her running mate in 2012.  It could happen.

While Superman struggles to defeat both King Kong and Reagan-Godzilla, Jesus comes flying in on the back of Mothra.  Or a pterodactyl.  Either way, the red sash he is usually depicted as wearing is wrapped around his head, Rambo-style. Victory soon ensues.

Superman asks what Jesus wants for helping him.  He says he wants John the Baptist alive again.  Superman soars into the atmosphere and flies, forcing the earth to spin backwards in its rotation, sending them back in time.

With John the Baptist saved, Jesus puts his hands into a river, making it all wine.  Superman spins around the wine-river, causing it to funnel and fly out, filling all the cups of the people while Europe’s “Final Countdown” plays in the background.

Awesome?  Awesome.

While back in time, Jesus looks at Superman and says, “You know this means King Kong and Godzilla are alive again.”  Superman nods, and we cut to credits.

Best.  Movie.  Ever.

Of course, there are some kinks.  But it doesn’t matter.  Either way, it will rock the American people like they have not been rocked before.

Ah!  The poster would have Superman caught in the jaws of Godzilla, with Jesus flying through the air, preparing to stab Godzilla with a pointed cross, and King Kong in the background, running towards the battle.

Don’t you wish this movie was made?

You better.

ZA

Starring:

Steve Carrell as Superman; Will Ferrell as Jesus; Salma Hayek as Lois Lane; “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan as Herod; Burt Reynolds as John the Baptist; Dom Deluise as Judas; Jackie Mason as Perry White; Ronald Reagan as Ronald Reagan (Digitally insert his past performances, specifically Knute Rockne: All American, Bedtime for Bonzo, and his 1981-1989 administration);

Still casting for King Kong, Jimmy Olsen, Lex Luthor, and the Virgin Mary.

Disturbing Things I Have Seen At the Gym: VOL 2

Last week we went on a grand adventure, where middle aged woman with tramp stamps roamed the earth. This week, ladies and gentlemen, we dive head first into the world of the elderly male athlete!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yes I know, it is a scary tale, but together we can survive it!

Any good gym provides its patrons with adequate changing facilities.  A few lockers, toilets, showers, and occasionally a sweet sauna room, but there are certain individuals who constantly abuse these amenities. A demographic who assume that the men’s locker room should have a “make yourself at home” policy.  You all know who I’m talking about! That’s right, the old men. The guys who are always butt ass naked. There is no logical or scientific explanation as to why these elderly males deem it necessary to always be stark nude. Any time you enter a men’s locker room at your local gym, you are guaranteed to see a pale, wrinkled apparition.

I have been going to the gym long enough that I have gotten use to these images. I am no longer bothered by what looks like an old naked big foot sitting on the bench next to me. It has now become part of the gym experience. But what I saw the other day, would make Hiroshima look like a botanical garden.

I had entered the locker room expecting to see the normal amount of old man ass. Of course when I first walk in, there are two gentlemen carrying on a conversation while naked. This didn’t really surprise me so I continued looking for an empty locker. I placed my things in the locker and began to change. Another older gentlemen exits the shower and takes off his towel as he reaches the locker containing his belongings. Again, this isn’t anything new, so I continued about my business, lacing up my sneakers. As I was finishing the change, I noticed the plump, elder had retrieved his socks from his Nike gym bag. I thought this a bit odd considering the man was just standing in the middle of the locker room without any cloths on. In my mind, the underoos are the first clothing item any man should reach for. It is only polite to cover your twig and berries as soon as humanly possibly. But for some reason old men love being naked. I’m telling you, its a science oddity!

As I get up to exit the men’s locker room, the elderly fellow goes over to put on his socks. Bent over full moon, I get a sneak preview at this man’s backdoor entrance, along with tickle whistle, and shriveled prunes. For that split second I felt like I was about to give this man his yearly prostate exam.

I still wake up from nightmares.

-AG